Feeling Stuck? Why We Can Feel Stuck and What Can Be Done About It

On this site, in the Solid Blog and on Wellness Wednesdays on The Spin, we discuss ongoing strategies, ideas and plans for sustaining ongoing foundation for mental health and wellness.
If you or anyone is struggling or in crisis right now, please call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room. Alternatively, crisis resources can be found here.

It’s my belief that we all feel some feeling of being stuck at some point in our lives.

In my experience, feeling stuck is a concern that brings many people to seek out therapy or coaching, or looking for some other resource to help to move forward and feel unstuck.

With that said, however, even if it is something that we might all experience in one way or another, it doesn’t necessarily make it easier to work through.

We can feel stuck about a lot of things:

  • Relationships
  • Work / career
  • Health-related habits
  • Everyday routines
  • Generalized feeling that “life feels stuck”, feeling as though life Is on a hamster wheel or Groundhog Day

The feeling of feeling stuck can be quite persistent.

And for some people, if the feeling goes on long enough, they end up resigning themselves to feeling that way.

Or it’s only when the feelings of being stuck becomes too much is when people are motivated to take action.

Some Ways We Can Feel Stuck

Feeling stuck can happen when you’re struggling with a situation that doesn’t feel quite right or not really aligned with your values.

It can also happen when significant life decisions may have previously been made based on the influence of others (parents, family or cultural pressures).

It might also be that unhelpful habits have been developed over time and it can feel as though it’s too late to change.

What Can Keep Us Feeling Stuck

It can be a very powerful feeling to believe that it’s too late or too hard or too ingrained.

We can feel that “things are good enough” or “the fear of failure” because of uncertainty can keep us from achieving our highest potential.

However, here’s a thought that might help:
The top regret discussed in the book, The 5 Top Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware is: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

What Can be Done About Feeling Stuck

You’ll notice that when people talk about being stuck, it’s usually phrased as “being stuck” or also, “feeling stuck”. 

So, the first thing to recognize is that these are feelings, and while it might feel like it, it’s highly unlikely that you’re completely stuck and without choices or options. 

And one way to think about feelings is that they are signals to let you know that something’s up.

Here’s a quick tip: What is one thing that you can do just 1% differently right now? Now go and do it. The small “win” can help motivate you to keep going and to potentially make other changes.

Ways to Work Through Feeling Stuck:

  • Examine your cognitive biases (aka “don’t believe everything you think.”) – We all have automatic thoughts, but many of us are unaware of our own biases shaped by our non-objective values and beliefs. For instance: commitment bias is sticking with a past decision to try and avoid feeling like we may have made a previous mistake or to be a “quitter” which can definitely impact the feelings of being stuck.
  • Develop More Effective Habits – It’s possible for things to change, but it usually doesn’t happen overnight.  As we discussed, the book Atomic Habits is a good place to start. Read more about it in one of my previous posts here.
  • Try Therapy, Counselling or Coaching – These processes can help to identify and to work through why you’re feeling stuck, what might be preventing you from moving toward change and figure out how it can be different.

Happy Pride! June is Pride Month.

On this site, in the Solid Blog and on Wellness Wednesdays on The Spin, we discuss ongoing strategies, ideas and plans for sustaining ongoing foundation for mental health and wellness.
If you or anyone is struggling or in crisis right now, please call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room. Alternatively, crisis resources can be found here.

Pride Month is set in June in recognition of those who stood up to demonstrate against the police raid which took place at the Stonewall Inn in New York City, 1969. 

The Stonewall Uprising that followed have been considered to be the watershed moment in LGBTQ+ rights history.

(As an aside, while discussing the Stonewall Uprising on the Spin, I had mentioned that it’s the 30th anniversary… clearly, math is not my strong suit: This year 2019 is the 50th anniversary.)

The Necessity of Pride Month to be Acknowledged and Celebrated By Pro Sports

Because of my weekly participation on The Spin’s Wellness Wednesday and The Spin’s focus on sports discussions, I often try to think about sports and the larger impact it has in society.

And in my case, because personal overall wellness is a passion of mine, I think about ways to connect larger wellness discussions in relation to sports.

Pride Month is celebrated in many ways during the month of June… even at MLB games!

It’s no secret that I am a BIG baseball fan and I am glad that in recent years, the MAJORITY of the major league baseball teams have organized Pride Nights as part of the regular schedule.

(It appears the New York Yankees (there will be a pregame commemoration of the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall Uprising on June 25th at Yankee Stadium, but it is not named or officially considered to be Pride Night), Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Texas Rangers and the Houston Astros are not scheduled to hold a Pride Night in 2019….)

In the words of one of my favourite baseball players, Sean Doolittle of the Washington Nationals:

“To my LGBTQ friends and family – we love you, support you, and we’re grateful for you. I’m proud to celebrate and stand with you because everyone deserves to feel safe and free to be who they are and to love who they love. Love is love.”

Sean Doolittle, Washing Nationals

When it comes to the bigger pro sports leagues in North America, there are still unfortunately very few openly queer athletes.

MLB specifically has had former player, Billy Bean (not the A’s GM) Ambassador for Inclusion since 2004, and the league has been embracing Pride Nights for the past few years.

As the Ambassador for Inclusion, Bean’s role has been to provide training and leadership to the LGBT community, specifically in relation to baseball.

Pro sports have a very far reach with many populations, communities and individuals.

The more there is acceptance and inclusiveness in areas especially like pro sports, the hope is that there will be a larger and wider acceptance and inclusiveness on a bigger scale.

The Wider Scope Importance of Pride for LGTBQ+ Individuals in Relation to Personal Wellness

Pride Month is a time where LGBTQ+ folks can be recognized and celebrated for the diverse individuals and communities they are. 

But also as Sean Doolittle mentioned, recognition also provides more safe opportunities for expression and to have open discussions around how each one of us, queer identified or otherwise, understands difference, diversity and also inherent and ongoing challenges.

“Homophobia as a form of oppression is traumatizing and Pride is an essential way of counteracting the negative effects of hatred and oppression that have historically been present.”

Jason Winkler, Registered Psychotherapist in Toronto

From a mental health perspective, as a relational psychotherapist and as someone fortunate to have grown up with many queer identified people in my life, I have a relative understanding from my place of allied privilege how crucial it is to know that LGBTQ+ individuals have specific and diverse experiences and challenges, and that who they are can be greatly influenced by their families, the culture and the society in which they grew up. 

And to also acknowledge the greater importance for those in the community to have safe, inclusive and meaningful connections and spaces to be able to explore similarities and differences in order to have a good sense of self.

“None of those things can happen when one has to hide, to compartmentalize, to walk around feeling hated, rejected, shamed.”

Jason Winkler

Speaking of which…

Difficulties as a Result of Those Not Understanding the Importance of Pride (Or What is it with People Who Try to Equate It with ‘Straight Pride’?)

I’ll refer to author James Fell here who posted this on Facebook and Twitter, and a response from Twitter user, Alison Brandon:

Things to Keep in Mind as Queer Allies

Lastly, for those of us who identify as queer allies, it would be valuable for us all to keep in mind:

  • First and foremost, “Believe that all people, regardless of gender identity and sexual orientation, should be treated with dignity and respect.” – GLAAD
  • Don’t automatically assume that all friends, co-workers and family members are straight.
  • Challenge personal biases and lack of understanding, even though it can be extremely uncomfortable to do.  Resist the assumptions that being an ally means that there is a full understanding of another individual’s experiences.

For more on understanding how to be a better queer ally, check out this article from the Washing Post: Call yourself an LGBT ally? Here’s how to actually be one.

How will you be celebrating Pride?

What are the Mental Health Benefits of Being a Sports Fan?

On this site, in the Solid Blog and on Wellness Wednesdays on The Spin, we discuss ongoing strategies, ideas and plans for sustaining ongoing foundation for mental health and wellness.
If you or anyone is struggling or in crisis right now, please call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room. Alternatively, crisis resources can be found here.

It’s May 2019 and a remarkable thing has happened in our fair city of Toronto, the province of Ontario and our great country of Canada in general:

The Toronto Raptors are going to the NBA championships!!

Full disclosure: I’m fully a “band-wagoner” fan when it comes to basketball and the Raptors. Sure, I was around and excited when Toronto got our very own basketball team 24 years ago. Even went to some games back then, but my sports beating heart undoubtedly belongs to baseball and our embattled Toronto Blue Jays.

That said though, I am fortunate to live downtown and experienced the pure joy and excitement of the Raptors winning over the Milwaukee Bucks to advance to the championships.

It reminded me of the time that the Toronto Blue Jays won back to back championships in the 90’s and my parents and I made our way downtown at the time to walk down Yonge Street. We cheered and gave everyone we passed by high fives along the way. It was an incredible feeling to be a part of this city- and nation-wide celebration.

I was in my teens then and I was a baseball fan before the Jays won the championships. But that experience of belonging and happiness of celebrating along with everyone cemented my commitment to being a Jays fan, it seems, for life!

Being a fan Jays fan has helped me feel like a part of a community of baseball lovers and also, specifically those who love the Toronto Blue Jays.

It’s allowed me to have the ability to make instant connections with others, gives me a break from working when I might take a few minutes to see what’s going on in the baseball world and also the ‘inside baseball’ stuff that’s helped me conceptualize what it takes to being not only a professional athlete, but how the business of baseball appears to be run.

So with the Raptors stirring up the pride and loyalties of many of us here in Toronto, I thought it would be fun to discuss how it can be helpful for mental health to be a dedicated sports fan.

As we know, participating in playing sports can be supportive of mental health and overall wellness… 

But How About the Benefits of Being a Sports Fan?

Being a sports fan can be good for social, emotional and psychological health, even though there can also be a stereotype that sports fans can overindulge in beer, fast food items and snacks. 

While this stereotype can be true of some fans, there are also other fans who are also actively involved in physical and social activities because of their dedication to sports, playing and following as fans.

Four Benefits of Being a Sports Fan

1 – Studies have shown that fans who actively support a local team tend to be socially engaged and have higher self-esteem.  There is a built-in connection with others locally.

2 – Other studies have shown that being an avid sports fan can improve language skills, since fans often have conversations and discussions about sports — whether expressing opinions or translating what they witnessed into their own words.  It’s a much more detailed and conversational discussion than talking about the weather.

3 – A team’s wins and losses can affect energy, mood and hormone levels, such as dopamine and testosterone. 

4 – As we talked about habits in a previous post, sports teaches us that success comes as a result of continued and dedicated repetitions.

Within sports are inherent lessons about the ups and downs, fairness, playing by the rules, the human stories of disasters and triumphs, that’s also true of each of our life experiences, too.

It’s About Balance – Three Warnings of Being Too Invested as a Fan

But like anything else, it’s possible for anyone to be too invested in any sports or sports teams to the point that individuals may be using them as too much of a distraction or have negative impacts in other areas of their lives.

1 – Be aware that it has been reported that sports fans can get so emotionally involved in intense competitive situations which can then trigger cardiac issues, like a heart attack and also have an impact on mood.

2 – There can also be issues of being so involved as a fan, that an excessive amount of time can be spent on following sports to the detriment of relationships, and personal and professional responsibilities.

3 – Overindulgence in alcohol and less healthy foods, which can lead to less than ideal overall health, which will also impact mental health and mood.

Sports, at its best, are a reflection of life but with specific constraints, rules and stats, so that it’s often a relatable escape. As always, the key is to find the right balance.

In my case, as I’m just jumping in right now as the Raptors are about to enter into their first championship in franchise history, I’ll be throwing on my new Raps gear and cheering them on with the rest of super fans here in Toronto. Go Raps!!

How to Develop Better Habits for Change and Self Improvement

On this site, in the Solid Blog and on Wellness Wednesdays on The Spin, we discuss ongoing strategies, ideas and plans for sustaining ongoing foundation for mental health and wellness.
If you or anyone is struggling or in crisis right now, please call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room. Alternatively, crisis resources can be found here.

What’s the Secret to Making Changes?

Identifying areas for improvement and understanding the need to make a change is one thing, but how to go about making changes is a totally different thing altogether.

Developing Better Habits

Building better habits is the equivalent of the law of compound interest of self improvement.

Habits are the foundation for changes, whether it is for self care, better productivity or overall consistent and ongoing improvements.

Many of us are more often focused on goals and outcomes, with less emphasis given to the need for developing better habits and the continued ongoing process of engaging in helpful habits.

In my work, I often discuss the importance of process and the time it takes to make changes, but today’s discussion will be focused around the work of James Clear and his book, Atomic Habits, in which he has established more clearly defined systems around developing better habits.

Connecting Identity to Our Desirable Habits and Outcomes

It is difficult to connect the promise of a future outcome to motivation, as we can be more tempted by short-term satisfaction over longer-term promises. 

However, it is more meaningful when we can clearly connect our identity to our actions.

Your identity shapes your habits and your habits shapes your identity. Every habit is like a vote for the type of person you want to be.

For instance, ultimately the goal is to become a runner, not to run a 5k.

Making changes doesn’t come easily or quickly.  The key is to think about change as a process, rather than an immediate change.

Relishing Long Term Benefits

Humans are not naturally wired to prioritize long term benefits over immediate rewards therefore it’s more difficult to favour sustained work over immediate gratification.

And when we are striving for improvement, goals are necessary, they are not sufficient. The key is in the in process.

For that reason, the path to developing better habits looks more like this:
Identity => Process => Outcome

Four Laws of Behaviour Change

Adopting a desirable habit:
• Make it obvious – cue
• Make it attractive – craving
• Make it easy – response
• Make it satisfying – reward

Breaking an undesirable habit:
• Make it invisible
• Make it unattractive
• Make it difficult
• Make it unsatisfying

According to James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits, he believes that there are two fundamental habits to develop: Exercise and reading.

Exercise because taking care of the physical self, can also be contributing factor to managing emotional health as well. And reading because it can help to be resourceful in solving any problems.

I would definitely agree with James Clear, but I would also add that developing a habit to also support mental well being is also important. Whether it’s setting aside time to make a habit of journaling, meditating, or engaging in talk therapy, I look at it as one of the foundational habits to help support the other helpful habits to build upon.

What is the Mind Body Connection?

On this site, in the Solid Blog and on Wellness Wednesdays on The Spin, we discuss ongoing strategies, ideas and plans for sustaining ongoing foundation for mental health and wellness.
If you or anyone is struggling or in crisis right now, please call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room. Alternatively, crisis resources can be found here.

Why the Mind Body Connection is Important to Understand for Better Mental Health

As a helping professional, those of us who work using a holistic approach, believe that overall health means having health and that there is a connection in all the area of our lives, including the mental and the physical.

This is often referred to as Mind Body Connection.

And while I work from the basis of this belief, I do want to be sure to clarify that I am not a somatic or body-based trained practitioner, but I will be providing some suggestions to gain more body awareness and therapies.

Mental Health is Not Just Noticeable By Differences in Mood and Behaviours

We often think about our emotions and mental health specifically in relation to mood or behaviours, but based on the Mind Body Connection philosophy, it can be valuable to also consider the impact our emotions can have on our physical selves as well.

Some people might think of the idea of the Mind Body Connection as ‘woo-woo’, but the National Institute of Health a government agency in the US, publicly acknowledges that overall health has a connection with physical and emotional well-being and uses the term “mind body connection” in their literature

In the US, it has been reported that over 75% of primary care visits were considered to be stress-related.

There may be people who don’t realize that they are having emotional difficulties until its noticeable in the physical body. Even then, they may not realize that it is emotionally connected.

Many people who consult their family doctor for a physical concern, such as issues with sleep, lack of energy, higher blood pressure, heart palpitations and so on, may find that many of those issues can also be connected to an emotionally-related concern, as well.

Chicken or the Egg?

There is so much inter-connection between emotional and physical health, it can sometimes be difficult to figure out which came first: the mental distress or the physical ones?

Not exercising regularly, nor eating nutritionally, or practicing self-care may mean that there could be other less desirable behaviours like using alcohol, tobacco or other substances for self-soothing.  These can lead to poor emotional health. 

But then, feelings of anxiety and stress can make it difficult to practice consistent overall self-care.  It’s important to consider the on-going need to balance both the necessity for care of physical and mental health.

Compromised emotional health can lead to a weakened immune system, which can leave you more susceptible to colds, flus and infections.

Many people may not realize that their physical symptoms may also be a sign of emotional distress. 
They can include, but not limited to:
• Chest tightness or pain
• High blood pressure
• Shoulder, neck and back pain
• Headaches
• Heart palpitations
• Decreased energy levels and tiredness
•Upset stomach

Importance of Deep Breathing Properly

Something I learned a few years ago that was a total light bulb moment for me was that many of us don’t know how to breathe properly or at the very least, don’t know how to really take deep breaths.

Here’s something that totally illustrates the mind body connection: When we continually take shortened or shallow breaths, it keeps signalling to the brain and nervous system that there’s something stressful happening.

The shortened breath is the body’s way of getting access to do something quickly, like running away.

But when we continually breathe in this shallow way, we can habitually feel stressed or in some kind of danger.

Deep breathing practices are important because it’s an immediate way to signal to the brain and body that it’s safe to relax, and often the mood and physical symptoms of hyperarousal will turn itself down.

Tips to understand the connection between emotional and physical health better

(Especially some of the symptoms above are present.)

  • Speak to your family doctor. Consider asking your doctor, “I don’t think my physical concerns are emotionally related, but is it possible that they may be?”
  • Consider starting a mindfulness, yoga practice or other physical practices like martial arts. These practices can help with developing body awareness.
  • Seek out Somatic Therapies. A combination of talk therapy and specific training in understanding physical responses to emotions such as Sensory Awareness, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and Traumatic Release Exercises.
  • Check out meditation and deep breathing apps. Like Headspace, Calm, Breathe or apps for that would guide through deep breathing.

We’ve only scratched the surface of the Mind Body Connection today, but to truly think about what’s required for overall health, it’s necessary to be aware of the health-related connections between the mental and physical.

Understanding Anger as an Emotion and Learning to Manage it More Productively

On this site, in the Solid Blog and on Wellness Wednesdays on The Spin, we discuss ongoing strategies, ideas and plans for sustaining ongoing foundation for mental health and wellness.
If you or anyone is struggling or in crisis right now, please call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room. Alternatively, crisis resources can be found here.

*** As an additional note in relation to this post, the discussion is about understanding anger from the standpoint that every one of us as human beings experience anger. But if there are concerns about yourself in relation to anger or the anger of someone else in your life, please do seek help from an anger management or mental healthcare provider. ***

For many people anger is… Road rage or losing your temper at a drop of a hat, or yelling during conflict or maybe even violence.  But what exactly is anger anyway?

So the reality is this: We all get angry. Anger is often considered to be “bad” and most of us get the message from an early age that we shouldn’t feel angry.

We’re often told: “Don’t be angry” or that it’s unacceptable to feel or express anger.

While in actuality, anger is neither good nor bad, what you choose to do with the emotion of anger can make a huge difference in your life.

Anger is Often Misunderstood

The emotion itself isn’t either positive or negative.  It’s what can happen as a result of someone being angry that can have a negative impact.

On the other hand, if there is anger due to an injustice or some kind of wrongdoing, and actions are taken to improve things, it can be considered to have a positive impact.

Having a better understanding about anger and what might be the cause of it, can be the first step to addressing it more effectively and managing things better when you’re feeling anger.

All Emotions Have a Purpose

Emotions exists to help us survive, avoid danger and can motivate us to be more thoughtful or to make changes.

If all emotions have a purpose then, anger as an emotion is a signal that something is requiring our attention in some way. 

It usually doesn’t feel great to be angry. 

But feeling badly and maybe feeling out of control or doing something destructive or hurtful when there’s anger, is what makes anger as an emotion complicated and maybe also misunderstood.

Anger Itself is a Secondary Emotion 

Anger is usually felt as a defense from more vulnerable feelings like, sadness, disappointment, hurt or fear. 

It can be really challenging for many of us to allow ourselves to feel these vulnerable feelings.

Whereas feeling angry can feel less scary, than maybe feeling sad or fearful.

It’s the defensiveness interconnected to anger that can manifest in undesirable or regrettable ways.

Tips on What to Do When You’re Angry:

Take a Break

Take a time-out and even better, go and get some exercise or go for a walk.

If you’re noticing that your heart is racing and your mind feels “sped up”, these are cues that taking a break, taking some deep breaths and letting out some physical energy could be helpful to be able to think things through more clearly.

Don’t Suppress Your Feelings of Anger

BUT be aware that anger does not need to be expressed through overly physical or verbally aggressive means.

Trying to ignore it or compartmentalizing feelings of anger can lead to passive aggressiveness, depression, anxiety and lowered self esteem.

Try to understand the underlying reason for your anger.

Remember, anger is a secondary emotion and there are other feeling or feelings that you’re protecting. 

As discussed above, take a break, some deep breaths and try to think or journal it out. 

If you find that you’re stuck with the same thoughts and feelings, it can be helpful to talk it out with someone your trust who can help navigate you through it.

Know When to Seek Help

Everyone experiences losing their temper at different times. 

But if it’s a regular occurrence of if your anger feels out of control, and you’re getting feedback from others that there may be a problem, seeking an anger management program or psychotherapy can be part of the solution.

Dealing with Anger is a Part of Life 

Just because you might have learned unhealthy ways of dealing with your feelings of anger up to this point, doesn’t preclude the possibility of learning new strategies.

Resources to Learn More About and Understanding Anger Better

Books about emotional intelligence like The Subtle Art of Not Giving an F*ck by Mark Manson can be helpful as it discusses the importance of seeing things from a different perspective.

For men, there’s a book I highly recommend called I Don’t Want to Talk About It by therapist Terry Real.

For women, Harriet Lerner’s book The Dance of Anger is a helpful resource.

What’s Your Attachment Style and How Can It Help to Improve You and Your Relationships?

On this site, in the Solid Blog and on Wellness Wednesdays, we discuss ongoing strategies, ideas and plans for sustaining ongoing foundation for mental health and wellness.
If you or anyone is struggling or in crisis right now, please call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room. Alternatively, crisis resources can be found here.

What are Attachment Styles?

In the past few posts, we have been discussing personality traits that are more nature, than nurture. In other words, we have been primarily discussing personality traits we are born with, as opposed to having been influenced by our environment.

Today, we are talking about Attachment Styles which is a theory based on the belief that much of who we are especially in relationships, both strengths and challenges, we have as adults can be connected back to some aspect of our childhood.

“Attachment” refers to the specific way in which we relate to other people.

Attachment Styles are based on research that have shown that the type of relationship we had with our caretakers or primary adult influencers as children have a very strong effect on the kinds of connections and relationships we have adults.

How Can Understanding Your Attachment Style Help You?

Understanding your attachment style is helpful because it can offer insights into why you feel how you feel in relationships now, based on how you felt and developed during your childhood.

It can help you to understand where your emotionally limitations may be and what can be changed to improve all kinds of relationships, including romantic relationships, relationships with friends, children, family, authority figures and so on.

An individual’s attachment style can also be closely connected to self-esteem. Using what you can understand from your attachment style, it’s possible to address certain deficits which can also help with a better sense of self confidence overall.

What are the Main Attachment Styles?

I consider the main four Attachment Styles to be: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized.

• Secure attachment (approximately 60% of the population) is connected to feeling confident and generally have healthy, close relationships.

Anxious attachment (approximately 15%) may be the source of the need to people-please and at times, being too possessive.

Avoidant attachment (approximately 20%) is associated with being isolated and emotionally distant.

Disorganized attachment (approximately 5%) is associated with being detached and conflicted in relationships, often as a result of having traumatic experiences during childhood.

What Tendencies are Associated with Each Attachment Style?

If you suspect that you might have some anxious, avoidant or disorganized attachment tendencies, some difficulties you might encounter are:

Someone with anxious attachment tendencies can be known to have a Preoccupied Personality. Where they can be insecure and critical of themselves, often looking for approval from others. These individuals often are worried that they will ultimately rejected, so even when receiving reassurance, there can still be a deep lack of trust of others.

Those who are avoidant can have dismissive patterns in relationships as adults. They tend to be loners and might consider emotions and relationships to not be as important. They can also be more cognitively-dominant and suppress feelings.

Individuals with disorganized attachment may exhibit tendencies of what’s described as a Fearful-Avoidant Personality. Those with disorganized attachment may have disconnected from their feelings as children, and have likely continued to do the same as adults. It can be a challenge for these individuals to feel a sense of balance within themselves and likely also have difficulty having close and trusting relationship with others.

What can be Done to Develop a More Secure Attachment Style?

As I often say, self-knowledge can be empowering and provide you with a starting point so that you can make better sense of what’s possible for self-improvement.

Moving toward more of a secure attachment style, can not only enhance your romantic relationship, you may also get along better with friends, family, and those you work with.

Some things to keep in mind:

Conduct an inventory. Do you avoid getting close to people? Do you worry about being left out? Most of us have an intuitive sense of areas where we can improve, but it can also be helpful to take a test like the one available on Dr. Diane Poole Heller’s website, she is an attachment and trauma expert.

It’s possible to move toward having a more Secure Attachment style.

While adjusting your attachment style will require some effort, it can be helpful to intentionally make sense of your childhood experiences to be able to rewire your brain to feel more secure with yourself and others.

Books that are helpful resources include: Daniel Siegel’s Mindsight or Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

Counselling or therapy with a psychodynamic (a style of therapy where childhood experiences are included in the therapeutic process) therapist can also be helpful if you see troubling patterns in your relationships or you have childhood issues that you want to sort out.

Self Care and Coping When Tragedies Happen

On this site, in the Solid Blog and on Wellness Wednesdays on The Spin, we discuss ongoing strategies, ideas and plans for sustaining ongoing foundation for mental health and wellness.
If you or anyone is struggling or in crisis right now, please call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room. Alternatively, crisis resources can be found here.

How do we practice self-care and manage emotionally when there’s so much news in the world of tragic events?

As with so much of mental health, it is valuable to have the understanding that self-care for our overall well-being is necessary during these difficult times.

There can definitely be a mental health impact to learning about, experiencing from afar and thinking about these tragic events.

With so much violence in the world right now, we may collectively be experiencing a level of vicarious trauma.

Vicarious trauma was a term coined for helping professionals who experience burnout or compassion fatigue with repeated and consistent exposure to the experience of trauma of others

With so many of these tragedies and violent events in our consciousness these days, it may be possible that the constant exposure could be extending the phenomena of vicarious trauma to the larger public as well.

Whether there are symptoms of vicarious trauma or a general malaise due to knowing about tragedies, a sense of helplessness and hopelessness can cause symptoms of depression, anxiety and anger.

With these things in mind, understanding yourself and your tendencies can help you cope more effectively.

Those who have previously experienced trauma or lean toward being highly sensitive, anxiety and depression, will likely be more impacted by the knowledge of these kinds of events.

With tragedies happening more frequently in recent times, even from a general perspective, many people are being impacted more regularly by anxiety and fear.

It is important to consider the impact these events have on our collective mental health and for us as individuals to make sure that we protect our individual mental health.

Take the time to process your thoughts and feelings regarding these events, and practice self care.

If there is a feeling of being overwhelmed by all the tragedies in the world, you are not alone.

It is common for people to experience a number of different emotions following traumatic events.

These feelings can include shock, despair, fear, grief, anger, disillusionment, and more.

You might also find that you have trouble concentrating, sleeping, eating or even disturbances to your daily routine.

A self-care practice starts with knowing how these kinds of events impacts you personally and to taking steps to take care of yourself accordingly

Following large impact tragedies, many of us can often feel torn between wanting to stay informed and updated, but it can also be a struggle to process all the constant and incoming information emotionally.

If you’re wondering about how to cope better or to strengthen your ability to adapt well during difficult times, here are some tips for self-care when coping with tragedies

Take a break from consuming the constant stream of news.

Try to consciously limit the amount of news you are consuming. Whether it’s from the social media, internet, television, or newspapers

While getting the news can feel as thought you are being informed of updates, being overexposed to it can actually increase overall stress levels.

It can be challenging to know how to find the right balance, but at the very least, be aware that taking breaks from consuming news (eg – once an hour for a few minutes or limited to 30 minutes a day) will be beneficial.

It’s also helpful to intentionally schedule to do something you enjoy after taking in some news about these types of incidents, such as a hobby, physical activity or watching a funny video online.

Seek support.

Especially if you’re noticing that it’s beginning to interfere with your day-to-day life, do make sure to talk to someone or others you trust and feel safe with.

It can be friends, a partner, family or therapist. It is important to be able to process your feelings and talking about things can help organize thoughts and feelings, that can otherwise stay internalized and potentially impact your mental health.

Connect with others.

You can start by connecting with friends and loved ones.

It can be as simple as reaching out and expressing gratitude for those important people in your life, or scheduling time to get caught up with each other over a meal or a social event.

Alternatively, you can locate resources in your community on ways that you can help people who have been affected by this incident, or have other needs.

Helping someone else often has the benefit of making you feel better, too.

Resist trying to make sense of the violence.

Learning more about what could lead to acts of violence is important in curbing more of them.

But trying to rationalize violence can often lead to inaccurate assumptions.

For example, thinking that certain cultures or groups are “just more violent” can have harmful effects in the way we treat others and move forward from a tragedy.

Resist trying to figure out the “why” of these events and people’s motivations, because it’s unlikely that you’ll ever know what the answer is. There is really just no sense in a lot of these attacks.

Destruction and acts of violence, no matter where they come from, are senseless, and it is difficult to tolerate.

But focusing on the things that are within your control and making a difference in your immediate life can often help to make times like this more tolerable.

Coping with Grief and Loss

On this site, in the Solid Blog and on Wellness Wednesdays on The Spin, we discuss ongoing strategies, ideas and plans for sustaining ongoing foundation for mental health and wellness.
If you or anyone is struggling or in crisis right now, please call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room. Alternatively, crisis resources can be found here.

I was deeply touched by the conversation featured with Erin Davis on The Spin in March, 2019. She spoke so generously about her experiences of losing and grieving her daughter in an unexpected way a few years ago.

One poignant thing Erin had so rightly mentioned is that grief is not something that is openly talked about a lot.

And I do feel it’s really important to talk about grief and loss, because it is something that we all experience at one point or another.

However, I suspect that one of the reasons it is often not a topic of discussion is because it is a tough subject matter to talk about.

Not only does it feel so difficult, it is also an incredibly private and individual experience as well.

“Grief is unique and individual”.

Not only is grief itself complex, our individual experiences of grief can be very unique and different.

Additionally, how you might grieve during one loss can be very different from how you grieve another loss.

A particular experience of grief and loss can be based on how you feel about the situation or person, the circumstances and unresolved feelings, etc.

We, as individuals, also possess unique feelings about loss. It all plays a role in how the grief process might be.

It’s so important to understand that while we can all relate to loss, we will never completely understand the experience of another person’s grief.

Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ Five Stages of Grief

There is relatively very little discussion about the process of moving through emotions in general.

But with something as strong and unavoidable as grief, it can help to frame the stages of grief as a process. Which can then help to make sense of the difficulty and complexity of grief.

Where I think the 5 Stages of Grief is so powerful, is that it gives a roadmap, of sorts, of what can be a part of going through the process of grieving.

This can be so valuable to know when grieving a loss can feel so terrible, confusing and perhaps, never-ending.

But the key is that while it can help to have a roadmap, the journey of grieving isn’t linear.

It can often be quiet meandering. Additionally, even with an outlined process, it doesn’t meant that it’s possible to rush through it.

For some people, properly grieving can take a shorter amount of time, while for others, it can last for a very, very long time. Again, the process is so unique and individual.

The 5 Stages of Grief at least can give a sense of what to expect and what may be happening at certain times. Being able to get even a little sense when things may not make a lot of sense, can be a source of some comfort.

Helpful Tips Around Grief

Grief is often delayed for for those who are immediately impacted by it.

One of the things I don’t hear being talked about very often is that for those who have lost a close family member, grief can often be delayed based on immediate, more practical responsibilities that may be required, such as organizing the memorial and estate arrangements, and supporting other people’s grief.

Supporting Those In Grief

When someone you know is grieving, where they are in their grieving process and who they are as individuals, will make a difference as to how to provide thoughtful and compassionate support.

Erin, Barry and Michelle on the The Spin talked about the power of a hug and showing your compassion through non-verbal means, because words are not always the most appropriate means to offer support.

Often we might say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” And it’s absolutely generous to offer, but it can also be helpful to keep in mind that many people often don’t know what to ask for in a time of intense grief.

If some time has passed since the initial loss and you notice there is some sadness, you can offer to talk or let them know you are there for them. Holidays, birthdays and other special occasions can be particularly tough.

Again, everybody is different and navigating grief is complicated. But acknowledging their loss, and the ups and downs that’s part of grieving can be a source of support.

Resources for Working Through Grief

As it is true with most things and as discussed here in this post, different people have different needs when it comes to working through grief.

Many grieve and work through their loss and sadness privately or with the support of a few close-knit trusted individuals around them.

However, in the event that a few resources can be helpful for you or someone you know, consider the following:


Mourning Has Broken: Love, Loss and Reclaiming Joy by Erin Davis
On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Therapy or Counselling

If professional support in the form of psychotherapy or counselling may be helpful, consider consulting with someone who specializes or has experience working with grief.

Support Groups

As with seeking support from a therapist or counsellor for grief, it could be helpful to check with individual groups as to whether it is facilitated by someone trained to work with grief.

It can also be helpful to keep in mind that there are also specific kinds of grief and support groups, and it can be that much more specific and meaningful to seek out groups who specialize in, for instance, a grief group for losing a pet or family member or a child.

You may also consider asking about the size of a group before attending, should you prefer a larger group versus a smaller, more intimate group or vice versa.

Experiencing grieving and loss can be some of the most difficult times in life. Whether it’s you or someone you know, it’s important to know that it is a process, albeit not exactly linear, and it takes time for things to feel “more normal” again.

Four Common Misconceptions About Mental Health Help, Professionals and Approaches

On this site, in the Solid Blog and on Wellness Wednesdays on The Spin, we discuss ongoing strategies, ideas and plans for sustaining ongoing foundation for mental health and wellness.
If you or anyone is struggling or in crisis right now, please call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room. Alternatively, crisis resources can be found here.

I have been learning a lot through this process of contributing to Barry Davis’ The Spin on 960AM talking about mental health on Wellness Wednesdays (wow – that’s a mouthful!).

So incredibly grateful for this opportunity to share the knowledge I have that’s hopefully helpful, but to also be learning so much in this process.

A significant thing I learned this past week is that many people may not have a clear understanding of what therapy might be like, what kinds of professionals are available and also some confusion over different therapeutic approaches.

So in this post, I’d like to try and clear up some common misconceptions about mental health treatments, professionals and available therapies.

Misconception #1 – Therapy involves lying down on a couch and talking to a therapist with a notepad who says very little.

The most common representation of talk therapy in movies, TV shows and other entertainment mediums are of the therapy couch and a therapist sitting almost mysteriously with a notepad. Listening, but maybe not saying a whole lot.

This style, or modality, of this particular form therapy is called psychoanalysis.

And in terms of professionals that provide psychoanalysis, it can run the gamut of psychologists, social workers, psychotherapists and other qualified professionals. The thing to keep in mind is that it’s a therapeutic approach, not what all talk therapy looks like.

And the difference between psychiatrists and psychoanalysts, at least in Ontario, is that the majority of psychiatrists don’t provide talk therapy. And even if they do, their therapeutic approach probably would not be psychoanalysis.

Psychoanalysis involves meeting one on one and to bring the unconscious to the conscious awareness by talking.

The primary differences between psychoanalysis and other forms of talk therapy is that in psychoanalysis, it generally involves meeting several times a week.

But like other forms of talk therapy, it’s also focused on the ability to learn to talk about yourself and to put spoken words to thoughts and feelings without applying too much editing or filter.

Also, as thoughts and feelings are spoken, they can take on a different context or understanding when they are heard aloud, which can lead to insights.

This approach is only one specific approach to talk therapy. But if it is a style that you’re interested in exploring, I would suggest conducting a Google search specifically for “psychoanalyst near me” or something like that.

The key takeaway here is: Not all talk therapy is and looks like psychoanalysis.

Misconception #2 – All mental health professionals are the same. Aren’t psychologists, psychiatrists and psychotherapists all the same things and do the same things?

The short answer is: No.

I believe that one of the biggest issues, specifically here in Ontario, is that folks out there who are looking for mental health help generally don’t know who or to turn to.

There are different titles and while the services they provide can be similar, the approach, style and expertise might differ.

There are a number of different mental health professionals who are regulated, in other words, registered or licensed, to provide mental health support in Ontario.

The registered professionals here in Ontario are Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Social Workers, and Registered Psychotherapists.

For the purposes of today’s discussion, the main differences are:
Psychiatrists are medical doctors who specialize in mental health issues and generally don’t provide talk therapy, but are covered by OHIP.

Psychotherapy services provided by clinical psychologists, social workers and psychotherapists, outside of institutional settings such as hospitals and schools, are out-of-pocket.

But if you have insurance coverage, it’s good to check with your benefits provider to make sure which professionals are covered under your plan.

One other thing here, since psychiatrists don’t often provide talk therapy, it’s not uncommon for individuals with mental health difficulties to have both a psychiatrist and a talk therapist (psychotherapist).

Misconception #3 – Psychotherapy or talking is the only option to treat mental health.

A lot of the conversations we currently have about mental health treatments seems mostly to be focused on talking.

Talking and learning how to effectively express thoughts and feelings are crucial components of treating mental health difficulties.

And to be clear: Taking the big step to talking, whether it’s to a friend, loved one or professional, is the first and very important step to take.

But as we mentioned a moment ago, consulting a psychiatrist or if you decide to talk to your family doctor, the likely treatment option that will be suggested would be medication, a medical intervention.

For some people, the help of short or indefinite term of taking medication may be one answer.

But there are also other kinds of mental health treatments like 12 step programs (such as Alcoholics Anonymous), body-based treatments, mindfulness based stress reduction (MBSR) and biofeedback, just to name a few.

The right treatment fit is specific for every individual.

With that said, I want to make sure to stress, the first step is talking.

And if the chosen form of primarily treatment is medication, I think it’s valuable to note that studies have shown that the most effective outcome is usually a combination of both talk therapy and medication.

Misconception #4 – All talk therapy or psychotherapy is the same.

So another way that it can be confusing to seek psychotherapy help is that not all talk therapies and approaches are the same.

Psychoanalysis is different from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which is different from Gestalt Therapy which is different from Psychodynamic Therapies.

There are more than 50 types of different psychotherapy approaches.

And to make it that much more complicated, a specific helping professional doesn’t necessarily mean that they practice a certain therapeutic approach.

For instance, one clinical psychologist may specialize in practicing CBT (which is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) while another might be focused on Emotion-Focused Therapy, while another psychologist might work from a Mindfulness-Based approach.

After all that, what’s a good way to start looking for a talk therapist?

We’ve talked about this before: Sometimes Dr. Google can have a whole lot of unhelpful health-based information.

But in this case, going to Google and typing in “psychotherapist or therapist near me” will pull up a list of private practitioners.

By going through the different websites and profiles, you can determine who might feel like a good fit for you.

It might be their bio, their area of specialization or perhaps their approach.

Or if you have a specific approach in mind, you can do a Google search on say, “Attachment Based Therapy near me” and it should pull up a list of therapists who specialize in that particular approach.

The important thing here is to find the right fit and approach for you, since studies have shown that this is one of the main indicators of therapeutic effectiveness.

Is There Something About Mental Health Help You’re Not Clear About?

Leave your questions in the comments below and I will either give an answer right here in the blog or maybe answer your questions on-air on one of the upcoming episodes of Wellness Wednesdays on 960AM’s The Spin with Barry Davis.