Category: Mental Fitness

On this site, in the Solid Blog and on Wellness Wednesdays on The Spin, we discuss ongoing strategies, ideas and plans for sustaining ongoing foundation for mental health and wellness. 
If you or anyone is struggling or in crisis right now, please call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room. Alternatively, crisis resources can be found here.

One of the reasons why I started my podcast, Life Stuff 101, is because I’ve often wondered, amongst other more practical and valuable knowledge: Why isn’t emotional intelligence taught in school?

When it comes to all forms of intelligence (whether it’s rational, physical, creative or emotional), it is my belief that many people believe that we either have it or we don’t.

While it’s true that we are all born with varying degrees of different areas of intelligence, ultimately to operate on a higher level in any area, it requires training and practice.

We take for granted that in order to compete at the higher level in sports or other kinds of competition, there is a need for training and it can be that much more helpful to get direct feedback through coaching.

Yet, specifically when it comes to emotional intelligence, there’s no clear narrative about what could be helpful for us to all consider.

What is Emotional Intelligence? Emotional intelligence is having the ability to understand and monitor your own emotional state, and also being able to understand the emotional states of others, too.

In other words, are you able to understand and name your emotions, and to effectively use what you learn from your emotions to help guide behaviours and decisions?

And just because someone can be considered to be very smart intellectually, it certainly doesn’t mean that they have a correspondingly high emotional intelligence.

In fact, there have been studies that show that those with average IQs have higher emotional intelligence than those with the highest IQs 70% of the time.

Having high emotional intelligence also has connections to success: It turns out that 90% of “top performers” have high emotional intelligence. While 80% of lower performers have been measured to have lower EQ.

Daniel Goleman has literally written the book on Emotional Intelligence and his model identifies five components of emotional intelligence.

Self-awareness

Self awareness is having the ability to understand and recognize our moods, feelings and motivations. It also having the ability to understand how we may be impacting others in relation to ourselves.

Goleman refers to being more emotionally intelligent as being more “emotionally mature”.

Emotionally maturity when it comes to self-awareness can look be: self-confidence, the ability to accept and even make light of mistakes, and understanding how we relate or are being perceived by others.

Self-regulation

Self regulation is having the ability to identify emotions and being able to respond or act deliberately.

Traits that would demonstrate this is the ability to not act impulsively, the ability to not immediately respond before acting or speaking, and be able to take responsibility for your own actions.

Motivation

Motivation is developing the resilience to navigate obstacles and following through, through learning and challenging yourself.

Many of us are highly focused on navigating around a problem, as opposed to building emotional strength and resilience through learning how to problem solve and being able to persevere during challenging times.

Working through challenges makes us stronger. Challenging ourselves physically, makes us stronger. Lack of sustained physical challenge means that we deteriorate or atrophy.

Empathy

Empathy is the ability to acknowledge and have a sense of the emotions and actions of others through their own subjectivity.

I think that many people assume they are empathizing with other people, when often it’s a projection of what they would be feeling onto someone else’s experience.

Empathic people have the ability to be fully present with others, have the ability to engage in active listening, and have a developed sense of nonverbal communication.

Social skills

Social skills, in relation to emotional intelligence, is having the ability to work with others effectively by having skills in persuasion, communication, conflict management and the ability to build meaningful relationships.

An individual with developed social skills have the ability to communicate and resolve conflicts with others effectively, have the ability to lead well, and the ability to build and maintain good relationships.

Based on the five components of emotional intelligence, if there are areas you can specifically identify as ones to work on, you can start by focusing on improving those areas.

But the following are three skills to help with developing better emotional intelligence, which I know personally have been incredibly helpful for me:

Learn to identify and be able to name emotions

Many of us can identify the strength of what we’re feeling, but often have difficulty connecting what we’re feeling to words.

I often say that learning the language of emotions is like learning a completely different dialect.

Using something like the Emotion Wheel (developed by psychologist, Robert Plutchik) to start identifying and putting words to your feelings can be a helpful tool.

Rethink the idea of “bad” emotions

While there are definitely emotions that feel bad, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the emotions themselves are bad.

Often, when people feel badly a lot, they can start believing that feeling badly means that there’s something bad about them or who they are.

But feeling badly is more often connected to something that our internal system has identified as something to address.

Which brings us to this point…

Think about emotions as “information” or “data”

Everything about how we’re designed to operate is based on helping us to survive.

If we take that as the basis of why emotions exist, rather than to judge ourselves based on how we’re feeling, it could be much more valuable to be curious about what the “data” is trying to tell us.

If we’re feeling badly about something, rather than to automatically assume that it says something about who we are, what if we were to wonder why we may be feeling what we’re feeling?

It can be a very different experience and ultimately outcome, to be an investigator about your feelings, rather than being critical of them.

On this site, in the Solid Blog and on Wellness Wednesdays on The Spin, we discuss ongoing strategies, ideas and plans for sustaining ongoing foundation for mental health and wellness. 
If you or anyone is struggling or in crisis right now, please call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room. Alternatively, crisis resources can be found here.

“People pleasers” are often known as people who are always there, reliable and helpful to a fault.  They are always doing things for others, as though they are “on call” for friends and family.

In some ways, this can seem like a good thing.  But for many people who fall under the description of being a “people pleaser”, it can be stressful, exhausting and depleting.

People pleasers…

• Have a hard time saying “no”.
• Find it difficult to express their own opinions. For some people, they might even struggle with knowing what their opinions actually are.
• They worry excessively about other people and their actions are often based on what other people might think.

For many people pleasers, there is a fear of abandonment, fear of retaliation, and fear of confrontation.

Even though people who people please are doing things and basing their actions on others, many times, the focus is often not about the other person, but worries about themselves.  

Many of these individuals have difficulty engaging in conflict and taking care of themselves.

This may be because there are people who, based on their circumstances, had no choice, but to take care of others. 

It may have started out as a need in an earlier part of life, but could have become a way of being that’s become too excessive and unmanageable over time.

One way to tell if you’re a people pleaser vs a balanced feeling of doing things for others, is how it feels.

If it feels like you have to do something versus doing it because you want to more often than not, then it can be a sign that you have people pleasing tendencies.

While doing things for others is part of what happens in mutually satisfying relationships, there is a difference with people pleasers who often find that they are stressed, frustrated or upset and experience giving as more of a ‘one way street’.

Over time, many people pleasers might find that they can develop more serious difficulties such as anxiety, depression and co-dependency difficulties in relationships.

Three things to think about if you’re a people pleaser…

1. Realize that’s it’s not important that everyone like you. It’s not even possible. Through no fault of your own, there are also some people who won’t like you or what you do, no matter what you do.
2. When you say “no,” you’re saying “yes” to something else. When you say “no” to something that you are too tired or too busy to be able to do for someone else, you’re saying “yes” to spending time with your family, or catching up on self care, or something else that’s meaningful for you.
3. It’s true that if you change the way you are with people, some people may be very upset and you may even lose them.  It can be helpful to look at the quality of those relationships in general and also expect that emotionally working through these changes will be uncomfortable, but just because it’s uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.

On this site, in the Solid Blog and on Wellness Wednesdays on The Spin, we discuss ongoing strategies, ideas and plans for sustaining ongoing foundation for mental health and wellness. 
If you or anyone is struggling or in crisis right now, please call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room. Alternatively, crisis resources can be found here.

Q: What is the one thing that every single one of us can do that can help to better regulate ourselves?

A: Take deep breaths… 

AND understand that many of us don’t even know how to do it right.  Also, and most importantly, the role that breathing plays with the mind and body connection.

A few years ago, I was getting a massage and the massage therapist had put her hand on my stomach and told me to take a deep breath.

I took, what I thought, was a BIG and DEEP breath.  But the massage therapist was quick to point out that my breath wasn’t really all that deep at all.

In fact, she observed that my supposed deep breath only went as far as my upper chest and nowhere near my belly.  If you’ve ever been to a yoga class, you know that they keep instructing you to take “belly breaths”.

So here’s an idea: Just because you might think you’re taking deep breaths, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are. Especially if you have a tendency to worry, to be stressed or to be anxious.

One indication that you might not be taking effective breaths is if it’s challenging for you to feel calmer after taking a few deep breaths.

You’ve probably gotten into the habit of taking shallow breaths over time and might not have realized that your breathing is not optimal.

Afterall, how often have you thought about the quality of how you breathe?

But here’s a very significant reason why it’s important to know how to get the real depth in your breath: When you breathe from a shallow place (a quick breath or a breath that internally stops above your stomach), it’s signaling to your brain that you need quick access to oxygen.

From an evolutionary standpoint, as far as our brains are concerned, quick breaths means that you need the breath to do something quickly… That you’re trying to run from something… like when we’d been attacked or if there was a lion or a tiger chasing us.

We would need to be able to get our breath as quickly as possible so that we could run and get away.  Survival with a capital S is the name of the game.

Whereas, if you’re taking deep breaths from deep within, it means that you’re in a more relaxed state. Which then signals to the brain that you’re not in danger.

One of the problems with modern day society is that we have learned to feel a constant level of stress that can feel like being in some kind of danger, the kind of danger that can feel like the need to go into Survival Mode to the brain.

This level of elevated alert can cause chronic anxiety and stress happening bodily within you. So when you’re able to take those deep breaths, you’ll be able to signal to your brain that you’re not, in fact, in danger and that your brain will prompt the rest of your body that you can calm down.

But while at a different time in our human history, “fight, flight or freeze” was something that didn’t happen too often, we’ve evolved to constantly be dealing with some kind of stress all the time (driving, navigating people on the sidewalk not paying attention, conflict with co-workers and family and so forth) and many of us have just defaulted to shallow breathing, which has created a constant internal feedback loop of stress.

The tendency to be experiencing stress on an on-going basis can result in further health issues like high blood pressure, suppression of the immune system, and more serious mood issues, like anxiety and depression.

Being able to breathe deeply more consistently means that you’ll be better oxygenating your system which will mean that you may find that it can have cognitive benefits, as well as promote a relaxation response, which in turn can ease tension and stress.

So, it really is as easy as breathing more deeply… but it also turns out that many of us have lost the intuitive ability to know how to do it properly!  Especially since we are a society that favours flat stomachs, which then means that many of us are sucking in our stomachs, which is the exact opposite of what’s needed to be able to breath deeply.  

What are ways to improve our ability to breathe deeply and more effectively?

Firstly, however, it’s important to know that it’s not going to happen in one day.  Just like any other habit, it’s going to take some time to learn a new way of breathing.

And like being able to have better habits in other ways, when you are able to breathe more deeply, you will be able to use your breath efficiently when you need it. You’ll also be able to take those deep breaths to signal to your brain that it’s ok for you to not be in Survival Mode and calm down.

The better you can be at calming yourself through your breath, the more your breath will be available to you whenever you need it.

Ok, so how do we do practically do that?

One: There’s an app (or several) for that! One I have used is called Pranayama, but there are also others.

Two: Yoga classes, Restorative or Yin classes would especially be good for practicing deep breathing.

Three: There are other types of breathing practices. One which I use is called the Box Breathing Technique.

Be conscious and intentional about getting your breath as deep into your body as possible and try to get it way, way down.  Think about trying to get your breath down to your toes.

For instance:
• Inhale for 4 counts through the nose.
• Hold the breath for 4 counts.
• Exhale for 4 counts out through the mouth.

You’re giving precious oxygen to your brain, as well as the rest of your body.

Not only will this help to calm you, your brain and body now has more of a critical resource to operate better.

Your breath will be there for you, when something stressful is happening or you just need to take a mental time out to oxygenate your brain and body.

I hope that you decide and continue to cultivate the ability to deep breathe because you will have one more tool in your toolbox to go to when you need it.

If you are interested in learning from the life lessons of my guests every week, please join me and MY (stands for Mio Yokoi ;)) Miracle Mob as we learn and grow each week!

The Life Stuff 101 podcast is coming on September 5th.  But you can be one of the first to get access to the free preview episode that’s available right now. Go ahead and get your ‘behind the scenes’ episode below!

On this site, in the Solid Blog and on Wellness Wednesdays on The Spin, we discuss ongoing strategies, ideas and plans for sustaining ongoing foundation for mental health and wellness.
If you or anyone is struggling or in crisis right now, please call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room. Alternatively, crisis resources can be found here.

Is there something in your life that you would like to change but it feels impossible, too late or too hard?

Or maybe it’s that you’re worried that people would judge you or be disappointed in you.

Many of us can also find ourselves attached to a certain identity that can feel connected to a relationship, lifestyle or work.

All these things can feel true, but it can also be true from a gut feeling level that:

• The work or relationship just doesn’t feel like it’s working
• You’re constantly feeling upset or thinking about the situation in a negative way
• You find that you are feeling more down and anxious than relaxed and content

As human beings, we seek comfort and safety. And changing any known situation can feel risky, which is the opposite of comfort and safety.

Every one of us has our own unique situation and sometimes they can be quite complicated.

• With a family situation, it can be that there are many people involved who’s lives may be impacted with change.
• With work, it can be that the company’s culture is fundamentally different from yours or that there could be a specific issue with one or a few colleagues.
• It can also be that the your chosen career path is no longer doing it for you, but you’ve invested a lot of resources and time, and it doesn’t feel possible for you to explore something different. Especially when there are responsibilities and obligations, like with family.

But not only is change possible, it can be that things can be and feel so much better.

Here’s also another perspective: If you are more fulfilled and satisfied, would you not also be a better family member, partner, friend or work colleague?

One thing that often stops people from acting on change is when the thinking mind get caught in ‘analysis paralysis’.

And the biggest problem with ‘analysis paralysis’ is that the so-called analysis can literally be never-ending, which is often what keeps people stuck.

Here are two suggestions:

First – Find some time and space for you to have alone. And then ask yourself, if the situation were to remain exactly the same as it is right now a year from now, what’s the first thing you feel? This is an exercise to clearly get in touch with your gut instincts.

Second – If you want to do a longer intuition barometer test and you’re trying to decide between, say, two decisions, spend a week “living as though” with one decision and pay attention to how it’s feeling, and then do the same thing the following week with the other decision.

This second exercise takes more time and commitment, but it can powerfully demonstrate how you are feeling intuitively.

If you notice having strong feelings, whether negatively or positively, these are signs that there is a need for some kind of action.

Actions can come next, but first get clear about your need for the change by getting clear about you’re feeling on a gut level.

On this site, in the Solid Blog, the Life Stuff 101 podcast and on Wellness Wednesdays on The Spin, we discuss ongoing strategies, ideas and plans for sustaining ongoing foundation for mental health and wellness.
If you or anyone is struggling or in crisis right now, please call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room. Alternatively, crisis resources can be found here.

In the last post we discussed being worried about judged by others. Today, let’s talk about how we, ourselves, can be judgemental… about ourselves, but also others, too.

But first: Let’s make the distinction between making a judgement and being judgemental.

Why is it that even though we can all find ourselves having critical opinions about ourselves and others, there are some people who we think of as being particularly judgemental?

For each of us to be able to make judgements allows us to not walk into walls and be able to make decisions about what keeps us safe and situations that might be dangerous.

But there’s also a difference between having a critical thought and using it productively, and being judgemental in an unhelpful or even harmful way.

As an example, “I wouldn’t do it that way” and “So-and-so is an idiot for doing it that way”

And here’s the big difference: It’s important to be aware, especially when the judgement is of others, that all judgements are personal and subjective opinions we can be holding: Not an objective or definitive truth.

Believing without question or testing our judgements or subjective opinions can lead to limited beliefs and the inability to be open to other people and experiences.

So the big idea is: Every one of us makes judgements, but we can all be careful to not be judgemental.

Because our brains are wired to make judgements, here are some things to keep in mind to avoid being judgemental:

1. We’re prone to mistaken assumptions. Most of us have strong views regarding issues in which we don’t always have all the information for. Many of us have a pretty strong opinion about things, even if we are not aware of the source of information or based on a pre-existing bias.
2. Humans have pattern-seeking brains. When we are exposed to something new, the brain naturally attempts to connect it to something we already know. This is valuable and provides certainty and predictability. It helps us to be able to navigate the world, but it also means that we have a tendency to make assumptions.

Being aware and to double-check our assumptions can also be helpful, this can be done by asking:
• Do I truly understand this situation or this person’s circumstances?
• Is there a strong feeling around the need to be right? (ego driven)

Lastly, the more judgemental we are ourselves, the more we expect others to be of us. After all, if you think a certain way, why would you not think that others would think the same?

But that, too, is an assumption and while there are undoubtedly others who may think similarly to you, there is little chance that EVERYONE is thinking exactly the same thing.

If we can better understand that our critical thoughts are merely our opinions and start to think more compassionately, how we feel about ourselves and others can drastically improve.

On this site, in the Solid Blog, on the Life Stuff 101 podcast and on Wellness Wednesdays on The Spin, we discuss ongoing strategies, ideas and plans for sustaining ongoing foundation for mental health and wellness.
If you or anyone is struggling or in crisis right now, please call 911 or visit the nearest emergency room. Alternatively, crisis resources can be found here.

I often hear people say, “I wish I didn’t care so much about what other people think.”

Or some people think of themselves as “people pleasers” and notice that a lot of time and energy end up being devoted to other people.

Wanting feelings of approval are common to most of us.  Nearly everyone is worried to some extent about how they appear to other people.

Human beings are social creatures.  We need each other in order to survive and thrive.

But just like anything else in our lives, there is a need to be able to find balance about considering others, and also doing things for our own individual needs and wants. 

Thinking about what others think is not always a bad thing: Part of having social conventions is so that we have an understanding of a shared moral code. 

We can thank this part of who we are to maintain social order!

Of course, when we end up worrying too much about what others think, we can end up being too careful and less spontaneous, which can amount to feelings of not knowing ourselves or living for others.

What Would it Mean to Live Your Life More on Your own Terms?

• Recognize that most people care much less than you think. As much as we worry about the opinions of others, the majority of the time, others are busy worried about themselves. 
• When you avoid judging others, you’ll worry less about people judging you.
• Surround yourself with supportive people. When you have people that support you, you’re less worried about those that don’t.
• It can be helpful to remember that it’s the unique parts of you that are the most valuable. It’s the unique parts of you that are the most valuable to the world. Another human quality we have is the ability to innovate, without our individual uniqueness, we would not have made the essential and progressive developments over time. 
• Test the fear that others will judge by trying something you think that others won’t approve of and see what happens. Pay attention to what exactly it is that you are worried about.

A good resource is that discuses more about this is Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.